I am BACK!

Hello again Island Guests, the resort has been closed for a far while but after doing some mental cleaning I am finally back again. To start off let’s discuss a bit what has been happening with me over the past few weeks. 

Identity Crisis

In real life I try to be more and more like my online persona, the cheerful pink bubbly me, which I actually consider to  be the truest version of myself. However there are several obstacles in my way to do this. These include my health, but also my family situation. I am an advocate of unconditional love, of being yourself to the fullest, love me for the geek I am and not for the normie socialite I on occasion pretend to be to make things easier and all. On my birthday and date of my last post my dad made a one minute telephone call to me to congratulate me on my birthday, but that he did not have any time to spend with me for the next month or so. He had no time for my birthday or for me, he had one day available to me but unfortunately that day I had made a solemn promise to a dear friend. Something important to that friend, something in the geeky nature. This friend has always been a devoted follower of my tabletop role plays but since his education had called him away on roleplay nights we never saw him anymore. Due to his social anxiety we could also not see that friend in social situations so we decided to host him one big group night, ages before my dad told me that was the only day he had available on my birthday. No matter how important things are to me, if I make a promise to a friend I stick by them, unless I am utterly unable to do so.  So I told my dad , that this date did not work out for me and that I promised to give my friend whom I haven’t seen in ages and who missed us dealy a geeky night centered around him.

This was not to my dad’s liking and he told me to stop thinking the geeky things are important, while he blew me off for his band pratice the day before he was available. This friday I would see him again finally and we could talk things out, something I desperately needed, his brother is giving this big Christmas party and he was supposed to show .. as his employee. It would be the only time my sister and I see him before christmas and New Year too. However he cancelled these plans because he could go to some snooty Jazz concert he preferred over seeing his own kids. The whole , christmas spirit along with the message of unconditional love and togetherness made me realise, that I did not have that. It broke me, perhaps I had to change perhaps my search for identity is misguided and I should just be who the wold wanted me to be, perhaps I did not matter.  All those happy families on the commercials are also perfectly normal. 

The toxicity of happiness

The season did not really help, mother is working with christmas, my sister is moving up north to celebrate at her boyfriend’s place. While I do not particularly mind being alone, the season of happiness emphasises that something was wrong with me. I am not looking for a romance, I am not looking for that sitting near a fireplace and carolling together. Yet the way the season portrays it is, that if you are even remotely loved, you’ll have to spend the holidays together or you are NOT loved. I am more likely than not, to spend Christmas day, and potentially boxing day alone. Something I do not inherently mind, but the tv is making it seems that that means I am unloved. Something I do mind.

November and December are enforcing this to the extreme and are causing me extreme discomfort. It’s the month where I choose to betray myself to gain that fake TV happiness or where I am Alienated even further than I already am. It’s a month of toxic happiness Bigotry and Commercialism try to suppress individuality . While I do have some people who’d want to celebrate Christmas with me.. it’s just something that isn’t happening this year, which is not bad .. but  it is made to be so. Even if I don’t have a merry christmas for perfectly valid reasons, the season depicts it as if it means I am unloved .. something am really vulnerable for right now. 

No Rest

While I keep struggling and can’t really find my footing until these dreadful days are over, there also is no safe space for me. My place is being cleared of asbestos which means that every week day from 7am to 4pm I have construction workers, chopping ot windows, woking on metal scaffolding, hopping on my balcony and shouting in front of my windows.. day in day out. I live in a seven floor studio, if I lay in bed they see me… they will comment on it. If I play a game they will shout at me that someone like me should not play games or just some other stuff. It created a constant state of anxiety and restlessness that completely broke me down. i did not want to be at home because of the noise, but I did not want to be n the city either because of all the enforced happiness. My best friend, seemed to be moving away from me (which in the end she did not but for the last two months it seemed like she would move a lot further away)  meaning she had little time to lunch and only had to look at houses further and further away from me. I could not go to here either like I used to. My most geeky friends turned very reclusive due to similar reactions to the holidays as me as well.. but instead of still ..kinda wanting love.. they just live through their avatars in their mmo’s .. meaning I could not hang out with them anymore either. No place was safe, no where could I catch my breath let alone reset my mind to begin blogging again.

Charlie

It all would change when I had a salon-day with my sister and mother. Mother tried to make a deeper effort to understand me and who I am at that day, we had deep talks and improved our bond, which wasn’t that bad to begin with..just a bit alien at times. Mother is somewhat classical and wanted to look normal in front of people, over the past few years she little by little came to accept that people can accept her while not being the standard either which led to us becoming closer. During the two days we were there we find out who we truly are and to stop filling in ideals that might play in each others heads. It was during this time if I could look over my sisters dog for the weekend. His name was Charlie, a toy poodle (it’s a real dog type not an actual toy )  that has a hint of something else in it’s blood. That was the weekend I really got some unconditional love from the little creature. The three days I could spend with it gave me a second wind, restored some of my ambitions and beliefs. My day with mom and my sister laid the groundwork and Charlie really helped me build the stairs I needed to crawl out my hole. Of course Charlie had to go home again after the weekend and I cried my eyes out after he left, but it felt like an emotional blokkade had finally left me.

A void in me had been sort of filled. A dormant side of me woke up and for the first time in quite a while, I felt alive and that the things I preach feel real again. Charlie gave me my voice back. Unfortunately since the dog is just Co-owned by my sister and a complicated situation there I am unsure if I can get Charlie to stay over that more oftenly, we bonded super well but I do not want to further that bond of those complications can take Charlie even further away. So while the happiness is fleeting  it is real nonetheless. It was enough to bring me back and ready myself for a new season. On Pinkie’s Paradise I can decide my own holidays, I can be the me I want, I do not have to be like those people on tv. I can finally relax again! So resort is back open boys girls and all you lovely non-binaries.
Welcome back and welcome back me!

8 thoughts

  1. Wow..you came back with a bang didn’t you? It takes real guts to write a post like this, and it’s not often that I find myself at a loss what exactly to say here in the comment section. I just came back myself two days ago with an update post, so it’s almost a coincidence that we are back at almost the same time.
    I’m sorry first of all that you have had a rough time. Especially what you wrote about your dad is something that could not be easy. Not for anyone in any way. The thing is we all want to be loved, but really who makes the rules that you are “not part of the club when you are not together with Christmas”? Not only is it the silliest thing I have ever heard….but it’s also so far from the truth! Look at your follower count: you are at 97, three away from 100. And that’s an impressive count for someone who has just started blogging this year. It also means you are doing something very right. I haven’t know you for very long, and I also know we haven’t met in real life. But still, I have come to know you a bit through the comments and the wonderful posts you write. And I can honestly say that you are someone who should not for one second ever fear she isn’t loved.
    I have always looked forward to reading posts from you, and seeing a new comment because the way you write, and the way you describe things is nothing short of amazing. It also feels real, and from the heart if that makes any sense whatsoever. All I can say is, whenever you feel down, or might feel that you are alone: take a look here, and see how many people like you. Because really: I’m not the only one! Take care, and please whenever you feel down, or need someone to talk to: never hesitate to send me a message. You know where to find me😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Welcome back miss pinkie !!! Know you have a place here to feel free with your thoughts and i always say it takes a lot to write a personal post like that. As someone who worked with animals there love is unconditional, I’m glad you could bounce back, Charlie is so ADORABLE oh my god !!!

    I get you on the pressure of this time of year suppose to be so joyful, like it’s excess pressure. I just think if you can find peace for yourself at this time of year in some way which I feel like you have however you end up spending this holiday then what does everything else about Christmas matter that other people care about, thousand presents under the tree etc.

    It’s why I always remember the history of Xmas I speak about in my owls post as at one time Christmas was cancelled lol and wasn’t declared public holiday until 19th century in America. Christmas was practically reinvented by Americans for a day of peace and nostalgia as we know today. Little history lesson haha

    But I hope you do have a chilled out holiday for yourself pinkie and merry Xmas!!

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  3. Problem is you can’t be what the world wants. You can only be yourself. The people you know can only be theirselves too. You could pretend to be what the world wants but the dissonance will build up and make you more miserable than the lack of socializing ever would. Pretending to be someone else is like wearing clothes that fit so poorly as to cut off your circulation. It is a time-limited activity.

    My alone time is my recharge time.

    I get the social anxiety completely. I don’t do well at parties and such. I don’t do well in organized groups either. It is emotionally painful – unless it is a group strongly focused on a common interest with me, (nudies, scientists, hikers, photographers, etc.) Even then, if things stray from the shared activity and into pure socialization, I’m lost.

    If you are able to babysit your sister’s dog, why not rescue one of your own?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am feeling threathend in my current town, due to my sexuality and my frailty, I am am often victim of threats. Its gotten to a point , I cant walk the street alone after dark and my friends have moved away from safe walking distance so.. i want to move to a more tollerant place, not rescueing a dog untill after I am sure I can get a place that allows one, after escaping a near violent incident due to sheer luck ( bartender I knew was getting too work while I was being shouted at for stuff and the guy turning violent on me, he took me to the bar with her) moving takes priority over company

      While I am aware I can’t change and it’s not something I want christmas spirit , commercials and all media can just point out I am not like those, and not as happy, because I lack that. Creating a false need by portraying a dream based on base needs like love and comfort, somehow i cant complete shake that brainwashing even when aware.

      I can socialise with people, but when I start to feel alien, I feel like all eyes look at me to damn me. Due to my sickness I walk odd, at times, I can be afraid to look another girl in the eyes, because I might see one that looks pretty and people start hating me…

      In truth I am just in a very toxic environment, but too poor to move quickly, when I say toxic, think lots of drugs, hate crimes or violence due to religious justification. City is polarising more drawing in more extreme minded peopld of either sids due to its cheap living costs, making it more impossible for me to live there

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Find a way to leave for greener pastures if you can. I left Michigan when I was 22 with nothing but what I could stuff into the back of a 15-year-old Mercury Comet wagon and gas money. I knew exactly one person in Calfornia but that is where I went.

        What would have been thought perverse and sinful in MI had a community and subculture out here that welcomed me. It made a huge difference in my life and helped me tiptoe out of my own closet a bit. That has such a huge difference! I can now happily blog about my nudie adventures, often with other people, instead of feeling freakish or worrying about being caught.

        Liked by 1 person

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